YTuesday, June 28, 2005
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can'tHow could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
_callous_ was here with you at
Finally ok with Dad...Managed to have a talk with him and yeah..made him realise..
It's been quite some time actually..only now that i get to blog..
Heh..Im basically less suicidal now..a lil more sane..heh
Im still a lil lost..
My dad promised me that he'll try understand me now..try to TRUST me..amazing huh?? yeah..
Yet to see...Yet to Know..
Im not as close to Ah Ting now..
duno y..it's me I guess..I'm just confused........
I'm stressed..I dun wan her to pull me down..She's not really pulling me down..BUT i duno..I'm confused.
There are ppl whose talkin crap abt us..FCUKED.
I just need tym to figure things out..Hope she can undstand..
Baby..Thanx for putting up with me..I really am PROUD to have you..
I LOVE YOU....
I'm sorry abt kak long..things keep bringing her down..
Things keep happening to her...
I hope she can understand tat things happen for a reason..
IF ONLY i can be her replacement.
Be strong k sis..I'l try to be there for you..
Kak Sha..I understand where u are at now...BUT u shudn't just dive into an ultimatum..
Honestly..u dissapointed me..
I cant believe u can fall so easily for him..
He seems no better for you..
U deserve some1 better..Really...Please..JUST take your time..
You'll get wat u want..TRUST me..on tis k?
Basiclly..I feel pissed...cuz now that I'm ok..the people around me are not..
Life is really unfair..Im accepting it now...
I'm learning to live with it...
AND i hope the people i love will feel the same..
Keep on living your life..no matter how much it suckz..
I love you all...
_callous_ was here with you at
YTuesday, June 14, 2005
Feelin Fucked by my dad again...
He's testing my fucking patience and I duno how long more will it take for me to be able to handle this torture from him....
Sucked up by his unforgiving apathetical heart.
I feel like an ass for giving him such nasty treatment-altho he deserves it.
Fuck..here I am talking shit about him and yet Im feelin guilty.
Maybe its coz of the fact that he's my DAd?
Unlucky.
But lucky at the same time...Cuz my dad is the only dad I noe who will wash my clothes and hang em...
Iron my clothes...
Wash my shoes...
Clear my room when its at d worst state of all states..
and worst of all..who brougt me to tis freakin werld?
Its Unfair.
He keep telling Farhana to move out...
He keep pestering Kak Long to make herself useful when she's already trying..
AND he keep telling me that im full of lies and that he can never trust me--FUCK THAT.
I pissed him off yesterday by asking him for proof.-He fucked back at me ABout my past.
unforgiving FucK!
FucK...I'm feelin so vulgar now..have never said so many FUCK at one time...
But I am feelin Fcuk...ugh.Worst than that.Feel like as if Im useless.
Coz my own Fcuking dad don't trust me..and rest-assured my mum is starting the same crap cos he brainwashed her.ASS.
Fuck.I dun wana talk about him no more.
Win Im sorry i was a lil too hyper when you were heartbroken..
Ah Ting..Im so glad you're finally accepting your sch..Proud of you sis!
Kak Long..Whee! We've got a chance for surviving again..PRAY that it won't backfire..I TRUST YOU.
Kak Sha..don't worry...she'll get use to it..
MMMMMMUUUAAACKZ!!! i love you guyz!
I'm in LAB now..n im really not in the mood to study....
Anyways,DyiNG my hair blu black..TOTALLY..hope it'll turn out nice...
Dun be affected by my mood..
Its just me...
-WhacKeD-
_callous_ was here with you at
YSaturday, June 11, 2005
Pissed to death by everything that has been happening in my life.
Hurt receeded and cost me the love that i have always had.
Pain has taken over my angst. I'm not strong enough to go through another phase of this misery.
How long can i be dependable on the people around me?
When will the time come for me to be able to stand on my own?
How can i be so helpless?
What is wrong with the life that I'm in?
I'm not cursed.I KNOW I'M not.
I'm just unfortunate to have such a dominating father, a greedy brother and a mother whose always hurting by the doings of her own flesh and blood.
I'm just lost in the life I'm in-- accepting each miserable achievement and living each day psychoing myself that today is gona be gay.
Its not.
Cause i'll go home to the people whose dragging each day. Thinking that everything is alrite when its not. It really isn't.
Thank God for the gifts i've received.
-Shi Ting...
Whose going through what I am goin through.Whose always there at any point of time.Whose given me her helping hand.Who listens and gives advice at the right time.
Whose always physically there.Who understands and believes in me.Whose never looked down on me despite knowing my true colours.Whom i've made to be an important person in my life.
Whom i noe i will treasure.
-Erwin
My best friend turned Brother..Who noes when i truly need him.Who cares for me unconditionally..Who foresees my hurt and whom i noe i can reach out to. Whose never doubted me and given me the reality check that there's more to life apart from my fcuked up shyt.
Someone whom I'll always look out for when I am both happy and sad.
A brother who i am really greatful to have. A brother I will always care for.
-My sister
The love of my life.The Reason why i'm still alive and learning..My hope for living and being Happy.My Mother, My best friend and My confidante.
Someone who've saw through every hurt, every pain and every suicidal attempt.
Someone who've always been drumming in my head that she's here..that she loves me..that i'm the most important person in her life.Someone that i know nobody else have.Someone i am really proud of having.Someone I noe I'll never lose because she'll always be in my heart.
I love you Kak Long....I promise I won't let you down again..I'm sorry i've been unreasonable..My love for you will never be the same as anyone else.
-My secoond Sister
Kak Sha..
Your presence is like a sun that always brighten up my day..
Someone whom i can totally depend on in any way..Emotionally...For Support..For Understanding..For shelter..For cash flow and for company.
You will always be someone I never want to hurt intentionally.The one who understands where i stand in my life right now..Someone who love me like her real sister..Someone who never limit herself from reaching out to me...
Thanks for comin into my life and my family's...I love you too..
Mummy..I'm sorry I havent been a good daughter.
But it's just the way it is..I don't want you to hurt anymore...
I'll pull through this and make you happy...I will never let anything happen to you.Again.
You're my everything...I promise I'll give you happiness again.
For now..put up with me...U know i love you..
ARGH.fcuk. Now im already talking like im gona die anytime soon.
Bear with me.
I am just so fucked that I put on a facade everyday. That everyone starts to believe what i want them to. That I am so carefree that my life is so fulfilled that I'm the happiest living thing on earth.Well now you know.-I'm not.
Don't be shocked.
It's just who I really am.
.Whacked.
_callous_ was here with you at
whee!! its my 1st tym doin tiz...its sooo cooll...nt exactly the 1st tym..but its been after soo damn fcukin long.. *sense of excitement*..
finally got somethg to do in LAB! whee....
im not gona start blogging wats on my mind yet..
gona hafta get used to it...
.whacked.
_callous_ was here with you at